An Easter Special
There have been many times since my car accident where I asked God where he was. I asked God why he abandoned me. I asked God why he left me alone when I needed him most.
My eyes were so blocked by the temporary pain of my life in this world, that I could no longer see the life that Christ had waiting for me at his side. Instead of finding God in everything I did, like I used to, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a dark gloom in my life. No matter how I hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to come up with anything good in my life.
Some nights, usually on my darkest when it was the last thing I wanted to hear, my husband would ask me: “What is something good that happened today?” As I realized, time and time again, that I couldn’t see past the darkness in front of my eyes, I would slip even further into the haze.
I hit a point so dark in my life that I actually forgot how to see God’s goodness that was everywhere around me. The temporary circumstances of my life had become a ballroom for the evil one to wrap his web around me. And for a long time, it worked.
Slowly, after endless days and nights of prayer, I started to re-train myself to see the good in what was happening. It started slow and simple. I would try to remind myself of one good-to-neutral thing whenever I felt myself slipping into my pit.
Later, I challenged myself to write down at least one good thing, for half of the month. It didn’t matter when I wrote it down, I just had to fill in 15 slots of good things in my journal.
I escalated and pushed myself to really fight to see the good. I made a page in my bullet journal for gratitude. I didn’t make a pre-formatted template to fill in, instead I decided I would write in the date every time I wrote. Inadvertently, I held myself accountable to writing at least one good thing, no matter how silly it seemed, everyday. I couldn’t skip a day without messing up the chronological number order that was being built within the pages of my journal.
Somedays, writing down a good and beautiful thing was the easiest thing I could do. I would excitedly fill an entire page with things I was grateful for. Other days, I would stare at the page, my mind blank, and my heart growing frustrated over why I couldn't see the good. It was the hardest thing I could do.
What I learned overtime though was that I had a three item block. If I could write a minimum of three things I saw as a good in a day, no matter how long it took, then I would suddenly hit a more profound level of what I was grateful for.
My mind still had a block trying to prevent me from seeing just how good God was in my life. But man, if I could work through that block, my heart would sing with praise for a God who loved me so well despite my feelings.
This escalated into me pairing my nightly journaling with reading the Bible. I had to read a minimum of one titled section before going to bed each night. At first I hated it. I would forget, I would groan on a late night when I realized I still had reading to do. But just like listing the good things in my life, I began to work through the block.
I began to desire reading my Bible before going to bed - some nights I was actually disappointed when my husband joined me in bed and it was time to set aside my Bible, turn off the lights and drift into sleep.
When I started my nightly reading, I randomly chose the book of John to work through. While I had no reason to pick this book of the Bible, while I had no plan in how much or little I would read on a given day, God did something beautiful with my effort.
He revealed himself.
I found that inherently as I read, the Gospel started to align with the time of year. I watched in pride and awe as Jesus rode the donkey into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday. I wept as he was tortured and condemned on Good Friday. I waited in anticipation with the disciples, not knowing what to do next, after he had been sealed in the tomb. I praised God through tears of joy as His son returned to his disciples, concurring the grave.
God aligned the season of Easter, with His word. And it moved me.
For the first time, I felt like I was feeling the full weight of my sin on Good Friday. I couldn’t stop crying from the moment our Good Friday service began till the moment we finished watching Son of God. It hurt. My soul hurt for the sins I had committed to place my God on the cross.
I felt like I couldn’t breath, silent tears streaming down my cheeks as I pleaded forgiveness.
I felt the weight of being Judas, betraying the God I loved.
I felt the sorrow of Peter, denying the One he claimed he would lay down his life for.
I felt the fear and regret of Pontius Pilot who sent Christ to the cross.
I began to wonder. How often have I betrayed God? How often have I turned away from him out of my own fear? How many times have I denied knowing Christ in my day to day life in search for communal acceptance? How often have I sent Christ to his cross?
It would be so easy to feel overwhelmed by the weight of our sin. It would be so easy for darkness to flood in and tell us that we are beyond God’s saving grace.
It physical hurts to think of how many times since my accident, I have been unknowingly turned away from the one I love so much. It makes me ashamed to wonder how often I doubted God’s love and plan for me because of temporary pain.
Friends, I want us to feel the weight of our sin that put Christ on the cross. I want us to realize that we put Him there. That we are the ones who betrayed Him. We are the ones who condemned Him to die. We are the ones who pierced His side with a spear.
We are no better than those who condemned our God because we are the ones who condemned our God.
We have to feel the full weight of our sin in order for us to truly realize the saving grace God gives us out of his Son’s love.
Easter is an opportunity for us to relive the miracle of Christ’s life and death. It’s an opportunity for us to remember anew how much we need our God and how much he gave to secure us in his home.
In John 10:14-18, Jesus speaks. He tells his people, long before his time had come:
“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep. I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.”
It may be our sin that put Christ on the cross, but he laid down his life on his own accord.
He could have stopped what was happening. He could have walked away from the soldiers who arrested him. He could have lifted himself off of the cross and taken away the pain of his flesh.
But he didn’t. He couldn’t, because he knew the pain of loosing those who had been gifted to him, would be far greater, than the pain of losing his own life.
He willingly gave up his body of flesh to secure our future in spirit with Him. Friends. He chose to die so that He could save you and I.
The weight of knowing that His loved one’s would be separated from Him forever made the cost of his death more than worth it.
He came, he met his people and let his people meet him, so that they could know the Father. He died, taking the full burden of God’s wrath and abandonment so that we never have to feel that pain.
He willingly gave up his life for ours.
Because of Christ’s death, we don’t have to fear. We don’t have to worry. We don’t have to become overwhelmed by the anxieties and pain of this world. We don’t have to ask God if he has abandoned us.
Jesus’ death secured our relationship with God. He will never leave us alone in our fear, pain or anxieties. He will never abandon us because his Son already felt the depths of being apart from God.
My invitation for you this Easter is to remember who God is.
Remember his life. Read his story and let the full, painful weight, of your sin hit home. And after you have mourned, remember that Jesus gave of his life, to give you a future of hope and joy.
He didn’t die for us to feel abandoned. He died so we could be by his side - through light and darkness.
My invitation for you is to search for the specks of God’s goodness in your life.
Search past the back-door tricks of the devil and re-open your eyes to God’s saving grace that’s at work all around you.
Search for the light and you will find it.
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