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When I first experienced my car accident and the pain and symptoms that commenced, I found myself just waiting for the day where I would wake up and be back to normal. Seven months later, when I finally got diagnosed with a TBI, (Traumatic Brain Injury) I thought to myself “okay, at least we know what it is now so we can heal”. Fast forward over two years later from that first fateful day and I’m still waiting for the healing I had originally expected to come over night.
I’ve spent hours upon hours crying my soul out; the pain so deep that sometimes there just weren’t enough tears and I was left dry sobbing on the ground. I’ve spent endless nights staring at the dark swirls on my ceiling wondering how deep into the pit I could possibly fall. I’ve sat in doctor’s chair after doctor’s chair as they’ve told me I would never heal; that I just have to get used to my body's limitations and pain.
Friends, I’ve cry-scream-prayed to God way too many times asking Him why I felt so alone in a time where I needed Him most. I’ve cry-prayed to God to end my life so I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. I’ve scream-prayed to God asking Him what my life was worth, if pain was preventing me from doing anything.
I’ve never been hidden from the lens of suffering. I’ve known the face of trial well and in part, it’s what originally grew such a deep love in my heart for our God. In the moments where I was suffering, He was the only thing I had left. My only hope. My only strength.
You see, I was so used to being able to see God in my trials that when a trial entered into my life, where I could no longer see His presence, I felt like He had abandoned me. And when I felt, for the first time, that I was truly alone, I had no idea what to do.
I know now that I originally felt separated from God because my symptoms prevented me from connecting with Him in every way I previously had. I couldn’t read my Bible because of visual changes, my brain fog was so thick I couldn’t concentrate or remember a thing and, friends, the worst part was that church became a huge symptom trigger.
I had always had a deep love for church. It was my safe place to reconnect, reflect and deepen my relationship with my God. I was the person who would proudly state that they would like to spend all day, every day, in a church service. It made me feel safe, at peace, loved. It was my place. After my injury though, everything about church made my symptoms worse. I couldn’t stand the back and neck pain caused by sitting in a hard chair for an hour. My light and noise sensitivity made what used to be a time of connection, a time where I grew unbearable headaches and nausea. Church went from being where I healed for the week to come, to the place I needed a week to recover from.
In my lowest moments, where I started to feel disconnected, because of my symptoms changing the life I was used to, the devil did something incredibly smart. He found my weakness. He saw where I was struggling and man did he use it. He used his tricks to convince me that I had been abandoned. He used his tricks to tell me that I was alone even though God still had His tender arms wrapped around my aching heart.
James 5:7-12
Patience in Suffering
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. Don’t grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!
Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
Above all, my brothers, do not swear - not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No”, no, or you will be condemned.
Right off the bat, James caught my attention.
What I noticed was that he titled his letter “Patience in Suffering” and, while our minds quickly relate that to whatever current trial we are facing, that isn’t necessarily the trial James is addressing.
James 5:7
Be patient, then, brothers, until the Lord’s coming.
Instead of telling us to be patient through our current trial, James tells us to be patient until our God comes. This suggests that not only are we patient in a season or moment of suffering, but that we are patient during a lifetime of suffering.
Yes, God will be by our side in every moment of suffering that takes place while we are on this earth. But friends, this world is not our final resting place. It’s a pit stop on our way to our forever home. What happens here matters, it affects us, grows us, changes us, but it doesn’t change that our home is with our God. We remain patient in the suffering that endures through our lives; however great or small; because we have the promise that someday our God is going to return and resurrect our tired and weary souls.
James 5:7-8
See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near.
James references two different seasons of rain. One season of rain, autumn, is needed to loosen the dried soil so that the ground may be plowed and new seeds embedded into the ground. The second season of rain, spring, is needed to sustain the plants and keep them alive during their growth spurt. That spring rain was what determined if the previously planted crops would survive or die. That spring rain was what determined if the farmer had food and a source of income or if he would have to find another way to survive that year. Both rains are equally important to the farmer but he can do nothing but wait for them and be prepared to act when they do come.
In the movie, Facing The Giants, the main character, a high school football coach, shares a story he was told. In this story, there are two farmers. Both farmers are facing a drought and need the rain for them and their plants to survive and so, turn to God in prayer. Both farmers prayed, but only one farmer went out to his field and prepared for the rain to come. The moral of the story was to talk about trusting God in a way that we are ready to receive his blessing when He is ready to give it.
Both the story from James and Facing the Giants depicts farmers that need rain in order to survive. The farmers can pray, they can prepare their fields in trust but ultimately, they can do nothing to make the rain actually appear. Just like how farmers have to stand firm in their trust that the rain will eventually arrive for their crops, we have to stand firm in our faith that God will eventually appear for us.
We prepare for our God coming back by preparing our hearts in Him. Rather than getting caught up in the selfish plees of this world, we turn our hearts in faith towards a God who keeps His promises.
James 5:9
Don’t grumble against each other, brothers, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door.
There are seemingly endless ways that our days can go wrong. Each small thing, slowly building up until they maximize all of our bigger, unaddressed hurts, and that small frustration suddenly becomes the tip of the iceberg. We become grumpy, sad, frustrated, angry; and as a result, we let our hearts close off from others. Sometimes we aren’t even lashing out on others intentionally. Sometimes, we are so trapped in our own negative emotions that we can’t recognize the harm we are doing. When we finally do recognize it, it can seem like a hopeless situation that we can’t change.
James uses this moment to remind us that we do grow grumpy and tired in our trials. We get worn down and as a result our tolerance for other people shortens. We become shorter, harsher, and sometimes downright mean towards one another due to the blindness our own pain can cause.
James desperately reminds us to be aware of our tendency to grow harsh when we are struggling. If we can be aware of how we intentionally, or unintentionally, take out our pain on others, we can start to learn how to reign ourselves in and act out of love in our trials.
I never considered myself to be an angry person. If anything, I was actually terrified of confrontation and would avoid it at all costs. After my accident and TBI though, I saw a new and honestly ugly side of me emerging. I was constantly angry, short and rude; often towards those I loved the most.
I eventually learned that anger and mood changes are one of the many symptoms that can occur after a concussion. I knew that I wasn’t alone. I knew some people had it much, much harder than I did. I knew that this ugly side of me was born from a panicking nervous system.
However, even though I knew the cause of my anger, it didn’t change the fact that I felt like I was constantly, unintentionally hurting people I cared about. I knew they tried to understand, I knew they knew why I was being short and cross but, it didn’t change how much it hurt me to know I was hurting others.
Friends, I had acted out of anger for so long that I had grown to see myself as a monster. It took months of prayer for me to slowly forgive myself for the hurt I had caused and to remember that when my scared nervous system took over, there was still forgiveness to be found. I had to learn forgiveness before I could begin to heal and learn to act out of love in my anger.
I learned forgiveness, for my new scary emotions, by knowing a God who had already forgiven me. A God who has already forgiven you. He knows our hurt, our pain, the reasons for our anger. But just because He does understand, doesn't mean we can freely lash out. God understands and out of great love, he invites us in to see a different way. He came to our world in flesh and blood so that His son could lead by example; showing us that we can calm our hearts and find a way to act out of kindness rather than anger.
After I handed the shame of the pain I had caused over to my God, I was able to see Him showing up in my hard emotions. My eyes were opened to new ways to handle my ugly symptoms and I slowly found redemption through his example.
It started small. I had to learn to communicate when my body and mind started slipping towards anger. Eventually, by sharing how I was hurting, I was able to start recognizing the cues that anger was coming; allowing me to take a step back and try to calm my nervous system back down. It’s not a perfect fix. I still get snappy. I still accidentally hurt those I love. But the more I practice overcoming my anger and finding a way to love instead, the easier it becomes to walk away from the anger all together.
James 5:10-11
Brothers, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
When I was dealing with the darkest days of my depression, I began to resonate deeply with Job. I felt his pain in feeling like I had been completely abandoned by God, while knowing that I hadn’t necessarily done anything wrong. No, I was not completely blameless. But I knew that in my heart I had always desired following my God. I had sacrificed so much to follow Him; He was my passion in life. Knowing that I had always tried my hardest, at any cost, to follow my God, and then feeling as though He had abandoned me in this trial, stung so deeply. Like Job I cried out to my God from my pain. Not out of a place of distrusting God or blaming him, but of a place of feeling like my relationship had been fractured. I was hurting and I needed Him more than anything.
I spent so much time resonating with Job that I finally willed myself to actually start reading the book of Job and what I learned astonished me. Just as I had felt like I had lost everything, Job too, believed everything had been taken away from him. Just as my eyes were blinded by my pain, Job too felt abandoned by God in the depth of his pain. As I walked by this man and slowly read his story, I found time and time again how we can grieve alongside our God without pulling away from our God.
This came into practice when one day when, as I was teetering on the edge of my pit, I opened up my Bible to the end of Job.
Job 42:12
The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the first.
Job endured a trial so hard, so deep, so painful that death had seemed preferable. Job had felt such depths of grief and loss that he had felt abandoned. Job had dear friends feeding him lies while he sat in his sorrow. And despite it all, Job still chose God. For a while his prayers and ability to remain faithful meant being painfully and blatantly honest with his God about just how hurt he was, but he still chose God. Even when Job felt like God had walked away from him, he never chose to walk away from God. He gave what little strength he had left to being in the presence of his Lord and held onto his faith that God would still provide His promises.
It was because Job was able to remain in faith during these trials that God chose to give great blessings to his son. God saw how hard Job fought to remain in the faith and He blessed Job.
Friends, our faith doesn’t have to be pretty. We don’t have to have it all together, the perfect outfit on or, in perfect state of mind to be with our Lord. God didn’t send his son to this earth for the people who had everything. He sent His son to give hope to the hopeless, heart to the broken hearted. Job didn't spend his time in cookie cutter sunday prayer with God. He took the giant painful mess of his heart and laid it all out on the table. He learned to share his pain and anger with God. He trusted that the God that was with Him then was the same God that had always been with him.
God doesn’t want your faith prettied up to appear perfect. He wants the raw, painful and incredibly real faith that comes when we put everything on the table. When we can share our hurt, our anger, our confusion and still come back to God in trust that He is good, that is faith.
James 5:12
Above all, my brothers, do not swear - not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. Let your “Yes” be yes, and your “No”, no, or you will be condemned.
Friend, if you choose God one the sunny days, you still have to choose God on the cloudy days.
It was easy to remember the darkness I felt on those nights where the devil took control of my fear. What was harder to remember were the words that fell out of my mouth, in a mumble, every time I ended up in a pile on the floor.
“I want my God and my Husband.”
“God I need you, please don’t leave me.”
“God I need you. I want you. Help me find you.”
“God. Bring me back to you.”
See friends, this is the power of a God who loves and saves out of His compassionate mercy. Even though the devil had long-ago taken control of my nights and pain, he never got a hold of my heart.
Even though I was drowning in the evil lies trying to tear me apart, even though I felt like I was falling, even though I felt like I was too far gone, my heart was still crying out for my God.
When my body was too weak to carry on, when my mind shut down to try and protect my being, my heart still persevered and called out to the God who saves.
Friends, all you have to do is choose God. Choose God and remember that no matter how dark the nights get, no matter how hard the days seem, He will never ever leave your side. He is as close as your very breath. He is here, watching you, sending His Holy Spirit to comfort you. He sees you in your perseverance and He will bless you for choosing Him time and time again.
Thoughts for The Week
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When we are trapped in those moments where everything seems to be falling apart, it’s so hard to find a way out. Our bodies begin to hurt, our minds get cloudy and we can no longer think clearly. Fear disorientates us and makes us believe that we are trapped in the darkness.
Make a plan for what you can do the next time the darkness seems to be winning.
What tools can you have at your ready to help you through those dark and stormy moments?
Here are some options that worked for me to help get your mind rolling.
Breathing techniques
Taking a short walk
Finding minimum three things about my day I can be grateful for
Listing 5 things, per each sense, that I am currently experiencing
Prayer
Journaling
Often my mind is so clouded that I can’t figure out how to actually pray. I know we can pray by simply spending time in the presence of our Lord, but I have found usually my mind is so clouded, that I can’t successfully spend time in the presence of my God. Instead, I recite the Lord’s Prayer over and over and over again for as long as I need to. I know it by heart so I can say what I do know and as I start to calm down, I can start thinking about what the prayer is saying.
Be patient with yourself as you start building up your toolbag. Our emotions and fears are unique and not everything will work for every person. Find somewhere to start. Learn what works and what doesn’t work. Make adjustments as you go.
Whatever it is, start making a tool bag and a plan so that the next time darkness comes knocking at your door, you have a way back to truth.
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Prayer
Lord,
You are a God who saves. A God who loves us so much that you humbled yourself to come here in flesh and gave your Son's life to be a mediator between us and you.
Your son, Jesus, set the example for us. He showed us through his death and resurrection that darkness can and has been conquered.
You have given us the hope to fight towards you even when we feel alone.
Forgive us for the moments where our hearts start to stray from you. Forgive us for the moments where the darkness is so overwhelming that we believe you have left us alone.
Lord, you have never left our sides and I pray for hearts that persevere towards you even when the rest of our body has fallen into the palms of despair.
You save us. You call us your own. You see us in our fight to stay in you and you bless us.
We are blessed in you and because of you Lord.
We pray for perseverant, patient and tender hearts Lord.
In your wonderful and holy name,
Amen.
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